I Didn’t Know It Was Trauma - Until I Did

Some stories don’t feel like trauma when you’re living them.
They feel like stress. Exhaustion. Maybe guilt.

They feel like you’re just not coping as well as you should be.

That’s how it was for me.

I had no idea that the way I was reacting to my daughter, years after she was born, stemmed from her birth which I’d never emotionally recovered from.

If you’ve ever felt a strange distance from your child…
If you’re quick to snap, even though you love them deeply…
If there’s a part of you still holding on to how things went wrong back then this might be your story too.

The Birth That Stayed With Me

Her birth wasn’t labelled traumatic.
But it was full of moments where I lost my voice.

Where my body didn’t feel safe.
Where I was dismissed, pressured, and left alone when I needed support most.

Labour was progressing fine until I refused alternative pain relief.
The midwife I trusted was replaced.

Suddenly I was being told to remove my TENS machine,

to comply, to hurry up and accept things I’d already said no to.

After she was born, it continued- 
I was told to give her formula. When she couldn’t take it, a midwife physically forced it into her mouth.

She vomited. I cried.

Not because I was tired but because I was helpless.

I wanted skin-to-skin. I wanted to breastfeed.
I wasn’t allowed.

Instead, she was two feet away, wrapped in a hospital trolley, fed on a schedule.
Every time I tried to feed her, it felt like an exam.
I felt like I was failing.

I wasn’t seen as a mother. I was treated like a child.

Birth Trauma Can Show Up Later

I didn’t walk away with a PTSD diagnosis.
I didn’t think I’d experienced “birth trauma” because no one called it that.

But I now know that trauma isn’t about what happened on paper.
It’s about how safe your body felt. And mine didn’t.

Years later, I was still flinching at certain cries. I still felt tense when she was near. I still doubted myself around her in ways I didn’t with my other children. I didn’t realise my nervous system was still stuck in that hospital room, trying to defend myself from being dismissed and overruled.

The Science Behind It

Here’s what I wish I’d known earlier:
Trauma isn’t stored as a memory - it’s stored as a survival response.

When something overwhelms your ability to cope, your body reacts. It gets stuck in fight, flight, or freeze. That response can stay with you, long after the danger is over.

There’s even a name for this polyvagal theory which explains why our bodies hold onto those reactions. And why something seemingly small (like a tantrum or a refusal to eat) can trigger panic, rage, or numbness.

I wasn’t just reacting to my daughter’s behaviour.
I was reacting to the unresolved imprint of her birth.
And the only way out was through healing it, not just understanding it.

Finding the Shift

I didn’t need to re-live the whole experience. That’s the beauty of the TBR 3 Step Rewind process. It’s gentle, guided, and doesn’t require you to share every detail out loud.

After I did it, something shifted in me that I can’t fully explain.
The internal resistance I’d carried for years the invisible barrier between us melted.

I saw her differently. Softer. Closer. Like the fog had finally lifted.

For Pregnant Mums Carrying the Past

If you’re pregnant again, but part of you still carries fear, guilt, or dread from last time please know this:

It’s not too late to clear what’s still stuck. 

That’s why I created In Her Time.
It’s a trauma-informed support program for women who are pregnant again after a previous difficult birth and want to approach this pregnancy differently.

Inside, I use the 3 Step Rewind process to help you release what your body is still holding onto  so you can reconnect with yourself before the birth.

You don’t need to retell everything.
You don’t need to prove your experience was “bad enough.”
You just need the right space to process it and move forward.

It’s Not About Coping Better,  It’s About Healing Deeper

This isn’t about learning how to manage the stress better.
It’s about changing what’s underneath it.

Because no amount of affirmations or preparation will work if your nervous system is still stuck in survival mode.

In Her Time is for the woman who wants to feel safe again in her own body.
To trust herself again as a mother.
To go into this next birth with less fear and more peace.

If that’s you, I see you.

And I’d love to walk alongside you while you reclaim your story,

If any of this sounds familiar, I want you to know:

You’re not broken.

You’re not failing.

And you’re definitely not alone.

With Love, 

Leanne x